


Stud Fees

by MinMaxie



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Children, Cultural Differences, Destroy Ending, Domestic Fluff, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Interspecies Relationship(s), Marriage Proposal, Married Couple, Married Life, Memories, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romantic Fluff, Southern charm, Texas, Wedding Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 18:02:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11446146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinMaxie/pseuds/MinMaxie
Summary: A post-destroy epilogue told with flashbacks, its own original plot, untold stories, and a little southern twang.  This piece attempts to paint a realistic view of being married and how that changes when your spouse is a different species, while filling some plot holes.  All new adventures but inside the cannon universe and characters.  Also, Shepard and Garrus live in Texas, because that idea is just too good to pass up.





	1. Advance Payment

"Really?"   
Garrus chirped as he looked up at her, but seemed more or less unfazed.  This theory was proven when he gave Shepard a little nod and gave his blessing.  
"I get that.  Go ahead."

Shepard's jaw hit the floor.  Aren't his people supposed to be incredibly protective and territorial?

"Garrus, are... are you being serious?  I've dreaded asking you this for weeks!  I prepared a whole speech and everything!  And, you're just... ok with this?"

He shrugged nonchalantly.  "Why wouldn't I be?  It makes perfect sense.  Liara still has feelings for you, you're one of her best friends, and she's lonely; so, it's actually a great match."  He chuckled a little and gave her a teasing smirk.  "Also, your genes are fantastic.  Star-studded service record, legendary resilience, incredible biotic ability... No family records but, in your case, that hardly matters."

Shepard leveled an open mouth glare of disbelief.

"You know we are talking about _me_ fathering someone _else's_ child, right?"

He barked a laugh.  "Can't really blame her Shepard.  I completely understand where she's coming from and, if the situations were reversed, I would ask the same thing."

"You're joking, right?" she asked genuinely nervous.  "This is just a face you're putting on while you secretly plot some way to kill me in my sleep.  It has to be."

Garrus put down his tools and stepped away from the tech he was tinkering with to round the table.  Once Shepard was in arms reach, he pulled her close to him by her waist and held her face in his hand.

"No darling, I am not angry with you or Liara.  In fact, I'm happy!  With relatively little effort on your part, you can help _our_ friend find some lasting peace and happiness.  And who knows?  You might even have some fun..." 

He winked at her and Shepard started to giggle nervously.  Even after all this years (in Shepard's eyes) Garrus was still absolutely adorable.  However, the whole situation was still completely strange.  Maybe even...alien.

"How Garrus?" she asked with soft sincerity.  "I know it's _logically_ simple but..."  She shook her head.  "If someone asked the same thing of you, I'd probably kill them!  How are you so calm?"

He stroked her cheek with his gloved thumb and smiled at her naiveté.

"Because," he purred at her, "I've done this before.  Several times actually."  He chuckled to himself and nuzzled her nose.  "I bet the baby is going grow up to be one hell of a Commando.  Wicked smart too.  I can't wait to meet them."

"Hold on," Shepard questioned while pushing him back by his chest.  "Garrus, what do you mean you've 'done this' before?"

His answer was as calm as if Shepard had just asked him about his dinner plans.

"I mean that, in the past, I have donated my genetic material to several women who desired children.  But none since the rocket took half my face..."  He caught himself quickly and brushed talons through her hair.  "Or, more importantly, since we have been together.  I've been rather focused on making my own progeny and haven't had time to help anyone with theirs."

Shepard rolled her eyes.  "You do know that it is factually, scientifically, impossible for us to have biological children, right?"

He tilted his head with a teasing smirk.  "Shepard, you've based your career on making the impossible happen... But, even if we never succeed, I still _deeply_ enjoy trying."

He licked her neck, slowly, and Shepard felt their conversation begin to stray off topic, so she brought it back with a shove of his shoulder.

"Oh no Garrus, you're not getting off that easy!"

He started to rumble and grin.  "With you I certainly could, but that's what control is for."

Shepard felt his talons squeeze her ass and she knew exactly what was happening.  They used to deflect with humor, and still did sometimes, but ever since she picked him up on Menae Garrus had become far more prone to deflect with sex...because he knew he could.  Shepard both loved and hated that about him.  She loved how Garrus could arouse her completely, at almost any moment, with seemingly very little effort, but hated the fact that he knew it.  
  


However, the idea wasn't unappealing _..._    
  


"Ok," she breathed into his neck while he was nibbling the back of hers.  "I'll let you have some fun, with the condition that you tell me about these alleged children of yours afterwards.  Deal?" 

"What kind of fun?" Garrus purred into her hair while nipping at her scalp and tightening the grip on her backside.

Shepard rolled her eyes at his insinuation, but it was only half legitimate.  She occasionally ribbed him about being a "freaky weirdo" but didn’t have any room to talk.  She may not have had certain kinks before Garrus came along, but she absolutely did now.  Actually, she had thoroughly enjoyed everything he talked her into trying.  
  


Except one thing, but we don't speak of that.  
 

Shepard's voice was firm, but smoky and growling as she tugged the man down by the front of his cowl.  "I expect a _detailed_ and _thorough_ account of these past ventures Vakarian, no matter how _hard_ they might be to talk about."  She took the opportunity to stroke his slit through his pants, and Garrus's chest started to puff up just the way she liked it.

"I'm willing to pay you in advance for your cooperation.  So, take from me what you think the information's worth." 

"I would," he rumbled like a waking dragon.  "However, that requires a dojo, a turian lesbian, two full days, and at least five meters of blue satin ribbon..."

Shepard made a strange gasping noise as her brain tried to piece those items together.

"But," he echoed evilly as talons slipped lower.  "I'll do what I can..."  
  


With that Garrus hoisted Shepard up and over his shoulder like a side of meat and headed for the basement with heavy, even footsteps.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author would like to, first of all, thank you for joining in! Please keep the Kudos/Comments/Crit/etc coming! It inspires more prose.  
> Second, the author would like to admit, openly, that the do not live in Texas. Nor have they ever been there, very sadly. However, the author was born and raised in the south so that much is true. Also, the idea of a FemShep as a proud Texan make the author grin from ear to ear. So, if you actually _are_ from Texas PLEASE leave comments or messages with insight! The internet can only offer so much information.
> 
> And, again, thank you. Enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard begins to muse.

Shepard's few of Earth spun momentarily as pelvis met carapace and the ground grew more distant. 

When her mild dizziness cleared, the workbench and its long-forgotten project disappeared around a corner as her limp body moved backwards through the house.  She knew better than to fight.  They were going to the basement regardless, and it was up to Shepard if the trip was easy or difficult.  However, since everything within turian arm-length was stuff she actually liked, coming quietly sounded like a better plan.

Unfortunately, the methodical, cross-building journey gave Shepard's energized brain time to think.  Think about a lot of things really.  Like the fact that Garrus might have _kids_?  Isn't that, like, second date material?  Also, Liara wanted to have a child…with her!  Could she even go through with it?  Woman and asari were never an issue for Shepard - before Garrus she honestly preferred them - but now she was married and had been for a few years now….

Married?  Talking about kids?  Living in a house on the ground?  Slumped over a turian's shoulder like a dead boar and headed for _their_ basement?  Five meters of blue satin ribbon?  Why satin?  Why blue? 

All these questions passed through Shepard's mind about as fast as square footage of floor beneath her face. 

However, the most pressing one was obvious:  How did she get here? 

She was a galactic hero, a bonified legend!  She had statues in her honor.  Statues!  As in more than one statue dedicated to her and her achievements.  Where did this alien get off thinking he could do…whatever it was he was planning on doing… to her of all people!  Also, why did another alien think she had any right to ask Shepard to be her 'baby daddy'?

After another footstep of contemplation, Shepard realized that it all began after their whirlwind wedding and extended honeymoon.  Right when Garrus took her advice and agreed to plant Shepard-Vakarian roots just outside of Houston, Texas.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Shepard, why do you want to live here?"

"I'm FROM here you dingbat!  Texas is awesome!"

"But... y tho?"

"The relays will take years to fix so leaving is tough.  There's plenty of work to do here, and just about anything else we might have to do can be done remotely.  Also, if we do have to leave, the Houston Air and Spaceport can take us anywhere!  It's the biggest and one of the first interplanetary hubs humanity ever built!"

"Ok, but why Texas?  It's not like you have family ties here or anything.  Sorry..."

"No, no, you're right.  However, out of all the places we could live, I thought you might like it the most."

"I'm listening."

"The major cities are crowded, cramped, and crazy expensive.  The vid money will be good, but not New York City good… not that I see you enjoying that anyway.  But!  Out here, we can have all the space we want!  There's also plenty of infrastructure - so, no, it's not country backwoods - and we'll be about halfway between most of the places we might need to travel to for work."

"But why not live in one of those places instead?"

"Well, unlike those places, Texas is hot, has cheap cost of living, lots of land, loose gun laws, old school justice, great hunting opportunities, and the people are friendly _and_ usually don't complain when you blow stuff up.  That's why a lot of turians have settled here!  And…"

"Shepard, you had me hot."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Once the vid money did come in, it was a whole lot more than either of them were expecting.  So much so they were able to purchase an old ranch property and build a custom house on it.  They felt a little guilty at first because their royalty checks were more than double what anyone else got.   However, once they learned the reason behind it, that guilt quickly faded.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

" _ **PORN?**_ "  Shepard screamed.  " _That's_ what we're getting paid for?!"

Liara nodded.  "That's what my tracking system found.  The Alliance and Hierarchy are technically the ones getting paid for your likenesses, but the credits are transferred through other brokers to cover direct affiliation.  Then, the military pays you two a cut of what they get, just like the rest of us. "

Shepard dropped her hands with a slap, and looked at Garrus who was oddly quiet.

"So, what, are you just okay with this?"

Garrus looked up with a few blinks.  "Sorry, I was watching our lookalikes bang each other.  What was the question?"

"Unbelievable..."

"Damn.  Where was all this when I needed it?"

Shepard sighed.  "How many are there?"

Garrus's eyes were making scrolling motions.  "Pages and pages... and this just the free stuff."

"Over one hundred thousand so far Shepard," Liara corrected.  "But more are being posted all the time.  As well as romance novels, comics, art and unofficial 'fan-made' material."

Shepard held her face in her hands.

"Heh," Garrus chuckled.  "They call us Shakarian...or Shekarian.  There's no real standard."

"Please...just kill me."

 

 


	3. Market

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus starts to settle in.

 

For all her previous moaning, Shepard still wasn't upset enough to turn down the money.  A good portion of it went to charity, however a lot still went into items that hid her identity; makeup, hair dye, clothes, fake identification paperwork… The usual.  A complete public makeover, that was instantly ruined the second she went anywhere with Garrus's unmistakably scared face.  Oh well, at least she tried to be ashamed.

Her husband however, took the complete opposite approach.  After their meeting with Liara, Garrus had spent the better part of month secretly binge watching "Shakarian" smut on his visor.  The worst part (or best, depending on how you look at it) was that it only added fuel to the man's already unapologetically shameless sexual fire.  

It was bad enough that Garrus wasn't curbed by Alliance/Cerberus regulations or stuck on a human populated ship anymore, but once he started making friends with the largely avian local population Garrus settled back into his old, unhindered, "everything's fine as long as you can still do your job" Turian ways.  Which (apparently) meant that the existence of hundreds of thousands of vids showcasing fake Garrus nailing fake Shepard was some kind of compliment.

It was a side of him Shepard had never really seen before.  It wasn't all bad, in fact Garrus seemed happier and more relaxed than ever, but it _was_ confusing.

Like a locust shedding its carapace, that metamorphosis began when they were walking around a local market.  Shepard was talking to a farmer about vegetables when Garrus slid up behind her, holding a bag in both hands and absolutely beaming.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Garrus..." Shepard asked nervously.  "Why is that bag buzzing?"

"Skarma!" The man was nearly bouncing in full armor.  "They figured out how to raise skarma here!  I haven't seen them since before I got deployed to Menae!"

Shepard looked back and forth between her husband and the buzzing bag.  "I could look it up, but I'm going to guess that 'skarma' is a kind of food?"

"Only one of my favorites," he purred while sticking a gloved mitt into the bag.  "I'd offer you one but..."

Shepard raised a hand.  "Whatever makes you happy honey, as long as it's not freakishly expensive."

"It's not," he assured her while leaning in with a smirk.  "However, you might want to look away… _human_."

The farmer was snickering in his booth.  Shepard pivoted her scowling eyes towards the man before fully focusing on Garrus.  "You're about to do something alien and gross, aren't you..."

"I don't know," he teased, subvocals clearly amused as all hell.  "You tell me."

Garrus removed his hand from the bag and Shepard's jaw dropped.  Right there, in his three-fingered fist was a tennis ball sized _thing_ that looked like a pillbug crossed with a cicada pupa.  Its body was curled up inside its signature, Palaven-silver plates with two of its ten, pointy legs waving in front of its head like a warning.

Stupid bug...  Thinking Garrus was going to back down because of a curl and a threat display?  Please.

"So...how do you...?"  Shepard didn't get to finish the thought before Garrus popped the rolled-up bug in this mouth, held it like a proud golden retriever, then immediately crushed it and swallowed.

"Well," she droned flatly.  "That answers that question."

Garrus almost looked disappointed.  "Huh.  I was expecting more of a reaction.  I was under the impression humans didn't like insects."

Shepard sighed through her nose.  "Garrus, I've fought Rachni.  Twice.  Bugs don't bother me anymore."  She crossed her arms and settled into a hip.  "Actually, I always pegged turians for natural insectivores.  Seems I was right."

He got excited again.  "Sure, but can you believe they have them?  Here?  They were hard to find on the Citadel, much less _raised_ there!  Normally, they're shipped in from industrial farms on Palaven, but these are fresh!"

Garrus tossed another skarma high into the air and caught it with his teeth and Shepard couldn't help but smile a little. 

"That's Texas for you.  Similar climate, lots of farm land, and plenty of deadly radiation."

Garrus crushed the bug and swallowed.  "I like Texas."

"Atta boy, son!" the farmer yelled from across his stand before tipping his head at Shepard.  "He's a keeper ma'am."

Now, it was Shepard's turn to beam.

"Thank you, sir, I reckon I'll tolerate him."

 

 


	4. Tali vs The Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heh... "cheeseballs"

Surprising no one, Garrus ate mostly insects after that.  That bee was so stuck in his bonnet that within a week he had fixed up the old chicken coups behind their house, gotten the proper permits, and started raising his own little swarm of skarma.  Soon afterwards, the other pen was modified to hold a bunch of enormous centipedes he called "crawlers". 

As strange as it was, Shepard was fine with it.  It was cheaper than buying them from the market - even though he still did sometimes - and she wasn't interested in raising chickens anyway.  It made her husband happy, and if that's what it took to make Earth feel like home then so be it.

However, the subtle unraveling of Garrus Vakarian continued when Tali surprised Shepard with a visit.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It had been a particularly difficult day for Shepard. 

She started the day in a hotel room in Toronto, then had several grueling meetings at Alliance headquarters, made a "quick" trip to the temporary Council Chambers housed in a retrofitted space station, then suffered through another meeting that was supposed to last and hour but actually went on for three.  This in turn caused Shepard to miss her shuttle back and ended up being stuck on the station for another two hours, which wouldn't have been so bad if the security guards on duty hadn't been Batarian and therefore trapped her in the gate just to be dicks.  This also wouldn't have been _too_ bad except that, because her flight was shorter than lunar distance, she was in Sigma gate which was barely more than a few airlocks and a bathroom.

So, needless to say, once Shepard did arrive back at Houston Interstellar, she was hungry and in a pretty sour mood.  The skycar ride was, thankfully, automated but only about thirty minutes long; long enough to be annoying but just too short to sleep through.

Shepard looked down at her omnitool and at the string of unanswered messages she had been sending Garrus since around 1600 his time, or right around when she realized that her day had gone to shit. 

 

> "On my way to space.  Be home by dinner."  
>  "Scratch that, meeting is running long.  Eta: tbd."  
>  "We're an hour over now.  They haven't even gotten to me yet."  
>  "Damn.  I thought salarians were supposed to talk fast..."  
>  "Please tell Adrian to punch Spartacus in the throat.  Or fire him.  I'm good with either."  
>  "I've missed my flight.  fml."  
>  "TWO HOURS LATER!  I'm heading to the shuttle port.  Home soon!"  
>  "Jk, just missed it.  What's another two hour wait, right?  I'll just go shopping or something."  
>  "Or not.  These batarians are shitheads and making me stay in my gate."  
>  "Stupid oversized amp...  What's for dinner?"  
>  "I really wish Archangel was my husband... and here right now."  
>  "... or would just answer me."  
>  "Don't you have the day off?"  
>  "Where are you?"  
>  "Shuttle's here.  ETA: 2000 ish your time."  
>  "Landed.  Any dinner plans?"

  
Shepard tapped the band on her wrist in thought, willing some kind of answer to appear before she got angry.  Sadly, it didn't, and she sent her last message.

 

>  "I guess I'm on my own then.  Thanks honey.  You're the best.  ETA 10 mins"

 

When the message joined the others on the top screen, Shepard closed it and sighed.  She didn't like being mad at Garrus - he was such a lovable dork ball - but he didn't leave her a lot of choice this time.

Shepard rested her cheek on a propped up first and watched the dim view zip by.  The skycar was long past the blazing lights of the city by now, but there were still a few places in between.  She liked to think that she didn't move them out into the middle of nowhere but, at times like this, it really felt like it. 

She knew Garrus wanted to go back to Cipritine, to go home, to his food, his culture, his family... not be trapped in human-centered hell forever.  He'd been stuck in that bog for long enough and Shepard was more than aware of that fact... and that it was all her fault.  However, the Citadel was still trashed and she couldn't survive on Palaven without a quarian suit.  The sunburn here was bad enough, but on Garrus's planet she would actually get _moonburn_.  As in sunburned at _night._ So, Shepard did the next best thing:  She found a little slice of Palaven here on Earth.

It was either this or Africa, but she didn't know a damn thing about Africa.  Nor did she want to be trapped in her house by a lion.  Of course Garrus would just try to shoot it, and she'd have to explain why he couldn't…then he would argue about the legality of self-defense, meanwhile Shepard would attempt to explain endangered species law, which Garrus wouldn't understand and probably think was stupid and...

Yeah.  It would be a whole thing.

 

As the car pulled up, Shepard's smile returned a bit.  They really had created a beautiful home.  His insistence on maintaining a defendable position and her love of nice things kind of clashed at first, but something called "contemporary modernism" saved the bay.  The smile on Garrus's face when he saw the blue prints said it all, the incredibly expensive asari architect they hired had performed a legitimate miracle.

The hard lines and straight angles of the home were softened by existing trees to make it look less like a fortress but, despite what the warm porch lights alluded to, it absolutely was.  Shepard was able to prevent Garrus from nixing all the glass walls, but only because she agreed to make them out of four-centimeter-thick artificial sapphire - the same thing Apache helicopters use for windshields.  Despite that knowledge, Garrus still demanded to shoot a rocket at one of the panes before they could be installed.  It held, and Shepard was allowed her natural light and sweeping views.

Black and white, part luxury, part bunker; the house that had become their home was perfectly manicured like something out of a magazine, but still had hidden mine traps and a gun range out back.  It was the house that "Shakarian" porn built… but at least the hot tub worked.

 

Shepard was starting to picture that hot tub as she walked up the drive.  Just being home had increased her mood tenfold, especially when she realized that within the hour she'd be fed, naked, and sipping champagne in the hot tub with her turian husband.

As it turns out, only one of those things happened.  Except it wasn't champagne, it was straight scotch.

 

 

 

The very first thing Shepard noticed when she opened the door was a foggy haze and strong skunk-like smell.  Once crossing the threshold, she saw a thick plume of light blue vapor rising above the couch and heard the ragged squawk of a cough.   
Her happy mood vanished immediately. 

"SHEA-" Another sputter. "Shepard!  Hey!  I-uh-didn't think you were coming home today..."

Long dormant biotics started to spark back to life as Shepard stood frozen in the doorway with a glowing stare that, historically, made even the most vicious krogan run away screaming.

Shepard's "loving" husband was standing in the front sitting room, rubbing the back of his neck, wearing nothing but lounge pants, and trying to look casual but Shepard _really_ wanted to kill him.

  
Garrus was, very clearly, stoned off his ass. 

  
It wasn't really the substance abuse that bothered her.  Recreational use of all cannabis and cannabis-derived products had been legal in the state of Texas for almost 75 years now, and had never been forbidden during the 15,000 plus years of turian culture.  No, what really made her mad was realizing why he had been blowing her off all day.

"Hey _, honey,_ " she hissed out through permanently pursed, scowling lips.  "Where's your omnitool?" 

He started jerking his head around randomly and rubbing any part of his face or neck the raised hand made contact with.  "I…uh…put it somewhere.  Why?" 

"Because," she growled a little louder while glowing a little brighter.  "If you _had_ it you would have seen all the _messages_ I've been sending you and would have _KNOWN_ I was _COMING HOME!_ "

You know what?  Scratch that.  She wasn't really mad that he blew her off, she was pissed that while she was stuck in meeting and travel hell he was hot-boxing their beautiful new house with something that smelled a whole lot stronger than the Earth stuff she grew up around. 

More to the point, Shepard wasn't ever a big fan of downers, except booze.  Instead, she greatly preferred caffeine, ADHD meds, and combat stims.  They made her feel powerful, alert, focused, and fast; a feeling which had made the difference between life and death on more than one occasion.  Unfortunately, she started leaning on them too much during the invasion and began to forget about food, water, or sleep and could've out chainsmoked the Illusive Man.  So, thanks in part to her long coma, she put it all down after the war.  However, tonight started to feel like a _really_ good night pick it all back up again.  Especially when Garrus reopened his stupid mouth.

"But…you said you were coming home on Wednesday…it's Tuesday." 

Shepard dropped her bag, raked her hands down her face and screamed at him.

"IT _IS_ WEDNESDAY GARRUS!!  HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FUMIGATING OUR HOUSE??!"

He gave her mismatched blink and pointed vaguely.  "Ever since Tali got here?"  Somewhere in the dark living space, Shepard heard a muffled curse in a familiar voice.

"T…Tali?"   
  
  
The name sounded more like a snarl than she really meant it to be.  Shepard liked Tali, really she did.  The once lost quarian on pilgrimage had blossomed into a very capable Admiral and one of her very good friends. 

However, according to their last conversation, Tali could go without her helmet when she was under real atmo and out of a high-density city.  A place kind of like this actually.  

Also, Garrus always had a thing for the little suit rat, and Shepard knew it.    
  
And now… here they were, alone, in a dark house, next to each other on the couch, smoking for dozens of hours, and Garrus was wearing pants. 

Only. Pants.

 

Shepard could feel blood hammering at her eardrums and the hazy, smelly vapor was starting swirl around as it got caught in her biotic energy.  How?  How was Garrus still so clueless?

"Oh yeah!" her soon to be murdered husband said with a stupid smile.  "I forgot, Tali stopped by right after you left!  Say hi Tali!"

"….bosh'tet…" the couch mumbled before a head poked up above it.  A very suit-less head of flowing, dark hair and lavender skin.

"Hello Shepard," she waved with a nervous voice and shaky hand.  "You have a beautiful home!"

"Isn't it?!"  Shepard cracked with an unsettling tilt of her head.  "How nice of you to drop by and SATURATE IT WITH THAT GOD AWFUL SMELL!"

Wide eyed, Tali whipped her head up at Garrus and tried to deflect blame.  "WHAT?  You said she was ok with this!"

"He did huh?" Shepard tilted her head the other way and felt her sanity starting to fade.  "Really?  Which part?  Turning my brand new home into a European coffee shop, ignoring my messages, spending -what has to be- half a paycheck on weed, blowing it all in one go, completely wasting time, or maybe…"  She took a step towards Garrus and started yelling through all her teeth.  "Maybe you're both just OK with the part where the SECOND my back is turned my HUSBAND invites his old CRUSH over to MY house, strips mostly naked, and then gets high in the dark with her for TWO FUCKING DAYS!"  
  
Without thinking about it much further, Shepard grabbed Tali by the hair, Garrus by the bad mandible, pulled them both in front of her face and leveled them with increasing volume and Texas draw.  
   
"Now.  I sincerely doubt y'all are stupid enough to do anything…unsavory, but you have to admit, this looks _really_ bad.  I know I'm not your commander anymore, and you don't have to inform me about every aspect of your personal life, and I get that.   However, knowing you two, if everything had gone according to your little plan _she'd_ be long gone and _you'd_ have this place sparking so that _I_ didn't know any better!  I died TWICE so you cheeseballs didn't have to!  And how do you thank me?  By goin' behind my BACK and doing SHIT LIKE THIS!  This is _my_ house, and _my_ planet, and I am _still_ Commander _Fucking_ Shepard!!   So, I don't think I'm outta _line_ for askin' for a little more _RESPECT_ than I'm getting!!  Do you two, _worthless_ stoners understand me?!"

"Yes ma’am Commander!" they both barked back in perfect unison while trembling in place.

"Good answer." 

Shepard dropped them both like they'd stung her and stomped back over to her discarded bags.  She almost shut the door, then had a better idea.  Whipping back around to the stumbling morons, Shepard reached in her purse, cracked open her emergency case of smokes, lit one, and hissed the smoke through her teeth.  
  
"In case you can't tell, I have had a very long, very shitty couple of days and haven't eaten since God knows when.  So, I am going to make some levo-based food, pour a very stiff drink, and hit the hot tub.  Meanwhile, you two tech junkies put your stupid heads together and figure out how to get this place clean.  Once it's fresh enough to fool a krogan's nose, then you are allowed to continue your festivities outside, on the back porch, where it belongs."

She flicked ash on the floor just to spite them and growled around her cigarette.

"Now get to work."  
 

"Yes Shepard."

"Aye Aye Commander"

 

Shepard to sighed a tall stream of angry smoke into the air above her as she rounded the corner towards the kitchen.

Sometimes, it was good to be the queen.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author didn't include tags about 'drug use' on purpose because she wanted the audience to feel as shocked as Shepard was.  
> Also, as stated by the literature, the Mass Effect Codex, character dialog, and the current trend in American politics, cannabis use isn't a crime. In the year 2186 or so, recreational use of the plant - no matter its place of origin - is no different than alcohol or Shepard's cigarette. This isn't heroin, meth, or red sand...it's pot. The author tends to agree with Shepard on this one but that doesn't change the law. 
> 
> Furthermore, if you think Garrus keeps his unflappable calm throughout the series without it, you're probably kidding yourself.


	5. Blue Plants - Green Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is carried through the house and thinks about sex, aliens, and sex with aliens.

As it was eventually discovered, "true blue" Quarian reefer was some of the best stuff in the galaxy and Tali had been Garrus's dealer for years.  Better still, she sold it to him at barely over cost as long as he promised to share. 

Also, much to Shepard's surprise, this had been going on since the SR1 days.  Right under her nose, and she never had a clue.  They went on to reveal that the only reason behind the deception was because Shepard was still, technically, their boss and they knew she ran a tight ship.  A tight ship they both really wanted to stay on, but unfortunately that deployment came with some disturbing missions that affected their ability to sleep.

Garrus also emphatically, and pleadingly explained that he was never really sweet on Tali…at least nothing beyond the normal bond one forms with a long-term, pleasantly tempered, reliable dealer of vice.  The two dextros were friends on a different level than Shepard was with either of them.   Not necessarily a higher or lower level, just an alternate dynamic.

Although, after a few more rounds and several loopy giggles, they _did_ admit to tossing around the idea of a three-way in the past, but Shepard said that now was probably an inappropriate time to discuss it.

She did eventually apologize, and so did they, and the next few nights of Tali's visit were actually rather fun and happy.   But even still, Shepard was starting to see Garrus painted in a very strange, new light.  It was like she never really knew him and only been exposed to his white-washed, human safe alter ego. 

She was intrigued by it, in a way, but mostly she found it clashing with her current line of reasoning.  Shepard always saw Garrus as this straight-edged, duty first, force for justice, but maybe that didn't _strictly_ mean "well-behaved".  It is possible to be bad and still fight for good, in theory she supposed.  Strangely, even though Shepard knew, _knew_ , that the worst thing he and Tali were doing was breaking a human Alliance "air quality" regulation that didn't exist in either of their native histories… it still didn't sit right. 

She also began to wonder how many times Garrus was actually "in the middle of some calibrations" or whether that was just code for "too baked to look at my boss right now".

 

Looking down at spurred legs and two-toed feet beneath her, Shepard felt the very smallest twinge of primitive fear.  The ground was really far away and, from this rarely seen angle, it was easy to forget that the thing carrying her was actually her sweet, dorky, and incredibly loving husband and not some enormous beast trying to eat her. 

A pre-galactic, human image of "aliens" popped into her brain and she almost giggled.  First of all, those "little green men" with huge eyes and evil experiments were _totally_ salarians who got sloppy.  Second, when they said aliens were a fan of "anal probing", the kind she would likely be receiving soon was probably not what they were thinking of.

To test that theory, Shepard tried to struggle a little bit and the action was quickly and firmly reprimanded.  The three, gloved talons around her waist dug under her floating ribs and an enormous fringed head turned with lightning speed and snapped its jaws with a dull thump and a deep growl.  As it slowly turned forward again, Shepard allowed herself to grin in secret.  This guy wasn't human, but God help her he was sexy.

Come to think of it, Shepard never wanted Garrus to be human.  In fact, that was a large part of his charm.  If he _had_ been born human, Garrus would still (probably) be hot enough to tango with once or twice, but she never would have married him.  She would have gone for Liara, or Jack, or Thane, or hell even Wrex - if she had been at all convinced he wouldn't kill her.  Human men never really mixed well with Shepard.  They were always either two cowardly or too cocky and almost instantly repulsed her.

Heh, kind of like that time she saw Aria kiss a human man.  That was hysterical, but also incredibly accurate.

No, "bad bitches" like Jack or Liara or Ashley are what made Shepard's mouth water.  That's why (though she never, ever admitted it to anyone but herself) she left Kaidan to die on Virmire on purpose.  He kept hitting on her and it was gross and Shepard saw an easy way to make it stop.  Every tear she cried at his memorial was as fake as a three dollar bill, but seriously, don't tell anybody that.

However, as strange and sexually confusing as it was at the time, Garrus had her dialed in from the start.  Literally, the very first words out of his mouth gave her goosebumps.  Later on, in the clinic, after he'd popped that merc in the head and announced his place in her crew, Shepard didn't even argue.  She was so taken aback by the man's razor focus and pointed stare that she actually stuttered when he gave her enough pause to reply.

_"Um…uh, yeah!  Sure.  Go ahead.  Welcome aboard."_

Shepard even remembered moving out of his way with raised hands.  Although she may have not actually done that physically, in her mind that is exactly what the image was. 

Garrus was just a kid back then, barely twenty-five or perhaps just shy of it, and yet he was already so…forceful.  Being in his presence was like being slapped awake, and to elicit that reaction from Shepard - who was already on a prescription stimulants at the time - was no small feat.  Confused by her own dazed state, Shepard's curiosity almost consumed her.  Whenever she could, she would find some reason to get closer to Garrus, even if it was just to study him, attempt to figure out what made him tick, and why the heck he was drawing her in like a magnet.  Not sexually, not at first, but more like a moth to a flame…or a husk to a singularity. 

Shepard, despite all of her well documented force of will, was caught in Garrus's orbit the moment she saw him argue with his boss on the council steps and never did find her way out.  
  


So, like a sane person, she spat in mother nature's face and married him.  And now she was stuck with him for life.  His people didn't get divorced, the concept of "irreconcilable differences" didn't even make sense to them.  Short of systemic abuse, treason, threat on a child's life, or other horrendous crime of that nature, bonded turians were bonded forever.  Even the Turian Councilor didn't have a decent enough excuse to get out, and that man was downright tragically miserable.  Every time he made some intentionally pissy comment in a Council meeting, Shepard secretly wished his wife's shuttle would crash.  Maybe if he was a free bird (pun intended) and got decently laid once in a while, he might be a little less terrible to be around. 

At least that wasn't Shepard's problem - quite the opposite in fact.  Her love life was actually fantastic.  It was the "irreconcilable differences" in culture that bothered her.  The species gap, the anatomy differences, the right or left spinning DNA molecules, and the separate meals had all evaporated into basically non-issues with a little trial and error.  
  


Turns out, sexual compatibility information gathered from an egg-laying genealogist, who once forgot how many livers humans had, (the answer is one by the way, just like every other creature in the galaxy that isn’t krogan) is not always one hundred percent accurate.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone hasn't seen the video of Aria kissing male Shepard and female Shepard side by side before, the author highly recommends it.   
> Shit's funny.


	6. Food Allergies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levo vs Dextro vs Dinner time

If Shepard could do one thing - well, one _more_ thing - in this galaxy, it would be putting the levo/dextro or human/turian allergy thing to bed.

Yes, allergies did exist, but so did allergies to peanuts or shellfish or strawberries!  Hell, some _humans_ have been known to suffer allergic reactions from their partners, but it was by no means common!   The only real danger about "ingestion" was that a turian man's fluids were so thick and sticky it was possible to choke on them.  Not kidding, at all.  It's like boiled down molasses.  Sweet though. 

Shepard really wished the professor had given her some warning about that little gem, but was ultimately fine. 

Food was easily the bigger problem, but not for the reasons most people think.  With the benefits of hindsight, the harshly separated military rationing between levos and dextros wasn't about preventing illness, it was about wasting precious protein.  They just said it was a public health issue to keep the mess crew from getting dunk and trying to swap moose-juice and goose-juice.  In reality, sugars, fats, carbohydrates, alcohol, and so forth all processed through their bodies in basically the same way.  Sadly, most the opposite, complete proteins would pass right through.  Hence, wasting it.  Incomplete proteins, like the ones found in vegetables, were fine though.

However, due to the makeup of the turians' avian-esque digestive system and mouth structure, hard lumps of food weren't something they handled well.  Their gut acid could, eventually, melt away just about anything you threw at it, but that didn't change the fact that most of their food was swallowed more-or-less whole.  Turian teeth and jaws were designed for snapping, tearing, grabbing, and crushing but not really chewing.  So, even though certain vegetables (like a carrot for instance) were safe to eat and could be digested, swallowing it whole didn't feel too nice.  Also, they were definitely more carnivorous.  Like dogs really.

Also, Turian vomit is…a problem.  Believe me, there's a reason the inside of their toilet bowls are plastic.  The house had been finished for maybe a month before Garrus caught a stomach bug and nearly melted half the bathroom.  Shepard had to put her old armor before attempting to clean it.  Poor guy felt absolutely terrible, but they learned, rebuilt, and got through it just fine. 

In Shepard's and Garrus's experience, the biggest hurtles when broaching the subject of mealtime were personal taste and secondary ingredients.  For instance, the mere _concept_ of dairy was enough to make Garrus wretch, but this was also the man who ate live insects for fun.  Shepard swiftly told him to "hashtag deal with it" and held onto her cheese, yogurt, and ice cream like they were the last heatsinks on Earth.  But, to Garrus's credit, processed food did look really disgusting these days. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"I'll never understand why your people insist on mutilating your food until it's unrecognizable…"

"It's called cooking.  Your people cook, right?"

"Occasionally, to kill off bacteria or denature venom.  Sometimes we combine a few things in a blender…or put it on a stick, but that's it.  Why do you think I hated the Normandy food so much?"

"Hey!  I gave you all kinds of grocery money and taught you exactly were all the good hiding spots were.  I did what I could!  I even got you a set of mugs!"

"Yes, and for that I thank you.  Without your help, Tali and I might have really starved to death."

"Glad I could prevent that."

"Ok, see?  This is exactly what I'm talking about!  What is that Shepard?"

"Um…pepperoni pizza?"

"Did you make it?"

"No, it was frozen.  I just heated it up because it's quick and I'm hungry."

"Alright, preparation aside, that's still not food."

"Why not?!  Sure tastes like food."

"Point to a single raw ingredient on there.  Just one.  Anything I can walk outside and find growing or grazing."

"Uh…."

"Exactly.  And you think that my fat, healthy, and delectably free-range skarma are gross."

"Point taken."  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The only critical and potentially lethal danger to eating each other's food was the secondary ingredients.  The hidden stuff, the fine print, and stupid little things that were easy to forget about. 

Like lead. 

Shepard had actually gotten curious enough to want to try one of Garrus's 'pet' bugs, but never did after she read what was in their feed.  Since lead in a natural barrier against radiation, many creatures native to Palaven had it in their chemical makeup.  Even Garrus needed small amounts of it or his talons would start to split and crack.  Ironically, this was part of the reason why they were always filed so short on the Normandy.  Human ships don't even have lead paint, much less "lead included" nutrient paste.  Also, since they were always generic, even the dextro paste was "lead free" to protect the quarians.  Meanwhile, poor Garrus was always slightly malnourished and had terrible, almost painful hangnails. 

However, since they were a subterranean species, Shepard was able to try a crawler…but she had to shell it first.  Actually, not that bad.  Tasted a bit like Vienna sausage.  
  


Another funny tidbit they picked up along the way was, just like birds on Earth, Garrus couldn't taste capsaicin - aka spicy peppers.  One night at a mostly human bar, he ate a handful of ghost peppers on a dare and said they tasted like "crunchy sacks of air".  Won 500 credits too.  Meanwhile, Shepard barely licked one and instantly regretted her entire life's worth of choices.

Sticky fluids, acid spit, lead poisoning, and spicy peppers.  These were the sum total of all their previous worries that first night before the Collector base.  If the two of them ever _dared_ think about that night, it caused them both to hang their heads in shame.  They were such kids back then.  Why did anyone ever believe they could stop Reapers when they were almost too scared to kiss each other?  It would have been so much better to get hammered one night and just dive in.  
  


Maybe Mordin confused anaphylaxis with a physically glued shut throat?   Who knows.

 


	7. Differences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say you should never talk about religion or politics, but what happens when a red-blooded Texan falls for an unapologetic Communist?  
> Sparks fly, that's what.

Shepard rolled her eyes to herself behind Garrus's back.  Mortin was probably the dumbest smart guy she had ever met, bless his heart.  However, the man currently carrying her like a sack of potatoes was a very close second.  Bless his heart too.

No…  The things that really bothered Shepard were the opposing view points on what was or was not publicly and/or morally acceptable.  She wasn't really the religious sort, most of Earth gave up on that as soon as we met our new silver-skinned neighbors, but she still grew up in the heart of Texas and some things are just bred into you. 

To be fair, the same could be said for Garrus.  Piercings, homosexuality, drugs, pornography, alcohol, violence, polygamy, nudity, and certainly tattoos were all perfectly normal and common.  Your down time was yours to spend however you wanted to.   The only rule was that your "fun" didn't harm anyone (without express consent) and didn't leave you unable to preform your required duties flawlessly.

Maybe that was the biggest catch.  Turians allowed each other to do almost literally whatever they wanted, but in return you had to put the good of the group ahead of yourself.  Even the simplest jobs weren't what a human would describe as easy, and always demanded total perfection. 

Half assing!  Yeah, that was something they didn't understand either.  Turians were a very binary people; on or off, yes or no, do or don't, right or wrong, black or white.  Grey?  They didn't know what to do with grey.

It wasn't just Garrus either, as much as she chastised him, it was the whole freaking species!  Everything they did was set to a march, except when it wasn't.  Then, it was nothing short of feral, borderline savage - but then again, they never really did anything halfway.  Anyone who even attempted to shirk their responsibilities was almost immediately cast out and the rest of them continued on to the beat of a drum…a ticking clock, ants in a line.

That's probably why Communism worked out so well for them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"….Now, I can afford the good stuff."  
 

Shepard's brand new alien boyfriend rumbled his words with a panty-dropping purr as he pulled out a bottle of wine.  It's not that the other stuff was bad, in her opinion, but she probably wasn't the right person to ask.  

Shepard had a expensive taste, even when she didn't mean to, but she also grew up a orphaned street rat and spent most of her life homeless, hungry, and cold.  Cheap drinks were something she had grown accustomed to and usually still preferred.  However, she wasn't going to steal this guy's thunder.  He was clearly trying to make a romantic gesture in a culture he knew next to nothing about, and that alone was sweet enough.

However, she _did_ question how long he had the bottle and how it got onto the ship.  Had he seen the Normandy land and make a quick run to the war torn moon's nearest liquor store?  Did he buy it on Palavan and lugged it with him to Menae on the off chance she'd show up?  How did it not break?  When did he stash it in the console?  What if she had said no?

These were questions for another day.  In the meantime, Shepard complimented him on it, and then Garrus said something much more interesting.  
  


"There are certain…perks, to being the top Reaper Advisor."  
 

Shepard's mile-a-minute brain stopped with the sound of a held record.

  

"Garrus," she questioned with a narrowed eye.  "Are you…rich now?"

"Well," he coughed nervously while looking at the bottle and rubbing the back on his neck.  "I don't think I'd call it that."

"Uh-huh," Shepard hummed unconvinced.  "That sounds a lot like what rich people say when they're humble bragging."

His mandibles fluttered in a way Shepard had pegged as Garrus's "I'm blushing" face and knew she had him caught.  But how do you get a turian to admit what they make?  Hmmm….

She crossed an arm over her chest and propped an elbow so she could rub the sides of her mouth.

"How much we talkin?"

Garrus looked nervous as hell.  "It's…not quite the same thing Shepard."

She wasn't buying it.  
  


"Why not?  They still pay you in credits don't they?" 

He adjusted his cowl armor, a classic tell.  "Yes, but it's still…different."

Shepard tried for a hail mary.  She sauntered right up to him, took the bottle from of his hand and curled her fingers around the side of an armored hip.

"Garrus," she purred while examining the bottle. "Did any of your research tell you what the ultimate aphrodisiac for human woman is?"

"No," he rumbled little less nervous while placing a light touch on her arm.  "Care to tell me?"

Shepard looked in his eye with a devilish smirk and almost whispered the answer.  "Money.  Lots and lots a money."

Garrus threw his head back and shouted a laugh before looking back at her.  "Money isn't everything Shepard."

She nudged him with her shoulder.  "Sure it is!  It's freedom, it's power, it's stability, it's shiny new toys and women swoon over it.  Ever see a nasty, old man with a smokin' hot wife?  That's why.  It means he's loaded…and she's shallow.  But, eventually, we all have our price."

Garrus actually gave her a strange, cock-eyed stare.  "Do you?"

She huffed a laugh through her nose.  "Garrus, I lived in Dubai for a stint.  I had a closet full of designer dresses that cost 10k a piece, over a hundred pairs equally expensive of shoes, walked on floors grouted with real gold, and bathed in a five hundred year old, hand carved, marble bathtub that used to belong to a king.  I got a _helicopter_ for my _birthday_." 

His mandibles pulled tight, but she continued her thought. 

"However, for most of my life I lived on the street.  I wore the same, torn, disgusting clothes every day, I didn't own shoes, I slept in whatever gutter I could find, and I bathed in cold rain.  When I joined the Alliance, I had been living behind a dumpster outside of their headquarters in Toronto, in the dead of winter, for three days.  Anderson only recruited me because he was impressed that I hadn't frozen to death."

Garrus cocked his head to the side and she finished the point.

"So, to answer your question, no.  I don't have a price.  I _absolutely_ have a preference, but I can make a whole lot out of nothing too.  I've lived at both extremes and I'm not ashamed of it."  She brought a finger to her chin.  "Which begs the question, why would you be ashamed of yours?"

"Because…" he drew out pointedly.  "Where I come from, we don't have either of those extremes.  My perks are… just that.  They are privileges, bonuses maybe, but it's not really a pay raise like you think of it."

"Such as…?"  Shepard asked under raised brow.

Garrus shrugged.  "More time off, longer breaks, better security, higher clearance, greater spending allowance, nicer house, a private shuttle…."

"Whoa whoa whoa, back up."  With the moment paused, Shepard carefully put the wine back where it came from and reentered herself before the outburst. 

"They bought you a freaking _house_?!?"

Garrus chuckled.  "Of course they did!  I've lived in Hierarchy funded housing my whole life.  We all live that way."

Shepard's brows pinched together and her jaw dropped.  " _Everybody_ in the military gets a _house_?"  
  
"No, every turian citizen gets a house.  But, the higher in rank you go, the better it gets."  He snorted a laugh.  "What did you think happened to my Citadel apartment?  Did you think I still paid rent while we were chasing Saren?  Of course not!"

"I actually had wondered about that…" she mumbled curiously.  "What happened to all your stuff then?  Trashed it?"

Garrus actually looked amused.  "No, I brought it all.  It's right there."  He pointed to a couple foot lockers and an armor case.  "Honestly, the hardest part is transporting that crazy, black armor you got me.  Not that I'm complaining." 

"Everything you own?" Shepard stared holes into the boxes. "Is right there?  What about your furniture?  Or did you always sleep on a cot?"

Garrus rolled his eyes.  "Might as well have… Came with the apartment.  My new one is much nicer.  And bigger."  He grinned and wrapped three long fingers around her waist.  "And I can't wait to get you in it."

 

Looking back at it now, this was the first time Garrus tried to derail a conversation with promises of sex.

 

"Wait."  Shepard was starting to put the pieces together.  "So you don't pay rent, you don’t buy furniture, and you called it a spending _allowance_?"

"Yes…"  Garrus rumbled with his head still back in his new bed.  "What's your point?"

Shepard stepped away and almost shouted the accusation with pointed finger.  "You're a damn, dirty, Commie!  Aren't you?"

By the look on his face, that didn't translate.

"Communist!"  Shepard repeated in simpler words with flailing arms.  "As in private property doesn't exist and the government rations out all the resources?"

Garrus blinked once, smiled, then nodded in approval. 

"Yeah.  That's how it works.  Why?"  
  


Shepard ran hands down her face and begged some deity for strength. 

"You do realize I'm from Texas, right?"  
 

"So?" 

"SO??"  
  


 Shepard took several deep breaths behind closed eyes and tried not to scream in freedom-loving frustration.  She managed to keep it to a disgusted mumble.  "No wonder you need the damn Volus…" 

Garrus giggled a little.  "By the way you're talking, you kind of sound like one Shepard."

Shepard held a fist to her nose in front of closed eyes and pumped one finger forwards.  "Don’t….Don't even start with me."

She heard armor shift and she figured he had started leaning against the console, but was too focused on her breathing to open her eyes.  Then Garrus said the magic words in a smug, dry kind of snark.  
  


"Capitalist."  
 

Shepard slowly turned to glare at him while huffing and puffing and drew out a long growl.

"Yooooou…..piece of shit."  
 

Garrus was, in fact, leaning his hip on the console and had his arms crossed triumphantly over his chest.  That's when Shepard realized he'd been playing dumb this whole time and knew _exactly_ what people like her thought about systems like his.  That's probably why he was trying to avoid mentioning it before, but once she started getting bent out of shape it was too funny to pass up.    
Worst of all, Shepard figured all of this out at once and kicked herself for playing right into his hands like a dumbass.  The man was practically grinning from ear to ear, and Shepard didn't know if she wanted to laugh or punch him.  Maybe laugh _while_ punching him.

"How?" she sneered.  "How can you just be okay with that?"

He shrugged.  "The system works Shepard.  No one's buying each other helicopters, but no one is homeless and starving either."

"Then why bother working!  Why do you even try?!"  She asked with raised hands.  "If everyone gets paid the same, then what's the point?  You've taken all incentive away!"

"Oh, I don't know..." he said dryly while looking over towards the cannon.  "Maybe…the greater good?  Doing your part, making your family proud, trying to make the galaxy a better place, saving a life, the self fulfillment that comes with having a purpose.  You know, silly things like that."

Shepard huffed.  "Oh yeah, I'm sure it's completely selfless."

"It's not," he purred while looking back.  "In fact, if you do really well… and get a little lucky… you get a top floor penthouse with a view of the capital, a king sized bed, and a hot tub."

  
After a beat of pause, Shepard's lips slowly pulled into her mouth and a _deeply_ evil laugh began to echo inside her chest.  It was a reflex, absolutely nothing could have stopped it, and it told Garrus all he needed to know.  Meanwhile, a high pitched voice in the back of Shepard's subconscious started to sing,  _"She take my money…"_

  
"Oh yeah," Garrus continued teasingly.  "It's got a pretty nice balcony too, an in-home bar - of course - and a vid screen as big as that wall behind your bed.  Two of them." 

"So," Shepard purred through the beneath her hooded smirk. "You _are_ rich."

Garrus gave a slow tilt of his head and locked eyes on her.

"No.  I'm a damn, dirty, Commie."

  
Shepard's head eventually lost it's fight against gravity and her shoulders shook with silent laughter.  She didn't know why she was laughing, still laughing really, but she couldn't quit.  Perhaps it's because she had just lost the argument so profoundly that it's all she could remember how to do.  What made it all worse was that images of everything she would do to him in that penthouse were flooding her mind.  On the bar, in that bed, out on the balcony, and obviously the hot tub.  The dirty things that would blast through those vids screens while she got on her knees and…  
 

"I concede," Shepard managed to say the floor through her unstoppable laughter.  "Now go get in my bed."

   
Garrus never was the kind of person you had to give an order to twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now the author ain't saying Shepard's a gold digger, but... *holds out hands*  
> *plays Kanye West on loop*


	8. Twists and Rings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We begin flashback inception here. Garrus waits outside a hospital room, Jack makes good points, Shepard looks at a rock, and together they talk about pain and fluff.

Unfortunately, she never got to see Garrus's penthouse.  The Reaper's destroyed it while he was deployed.

Shepard looked to the over as they passed the back windows.  Through them she could she their own covered porch, their outside kitchen and bar, two vid screens, as well as the extra-large hot tub.  All of which had been thoroughly broken in.  They didn't have a view of the capital, and Garrus wouldn't let her have a pool, but the old farmland was good enough.

Shepard found herself mildly grateful for the Reapers.  They could have hit that penthouse while Garrus was asleep, and then she would have never seen him again.

There had been too many close calls like that.  Way too many.  And yet, somehow, the universe kept aligning and throwing them back into each other's orbit.  Shepard was caught in the first pass, Garrus wrapped around her during the second, and that afternoon in her bed after their little catch up spat over politics - they fell hopelessly in love. 

Then again, maybe they always were. 

Extended separation was never healthy, they became a danger to themselves and others, but the joy of finding each other again almost made up for it.  Almost.  The most recent one brought Garrus to tears.  Shepard didn't know that was even physically possible for turians to do, and Garrus thought the same, but nevertheless when Shepard finally woke up after the war Garrus cried like a baby.  The doctors tried to pry him off her so they could run (probably very important) scans, but eventually gave up and just worked around the half seated turian's torso, constricting arms, and giant head.  

 

Shepard looked down at her hand as Garrus closed the side door and crossed the short, covered distance to the garage.  It really was a nice rock, all things considered.  Twisting platinum and ezzo bands, little diamond studs embedded in the front, and an easily two karat, oval cut, blood red ruby in the center.  He said it matched her hair… 

He also stole it.  Well, _found_ it really.  Said it was just lying on the ground in London during the final push when he dove for cover inside a burned-out storefront.  Kept it in his boot pocket ever since.

Human or no, the man really was sweet.  Proposed twice _, twice_.  The second one after she got released from the hospital was… incredible.  Apparently, while she was really busy being meat and tubes (again), Garrus was waiting outside her clean room.  The doctors wouldn't let him in because A) safety protocols and B) he wasn't _technically_ a superior officer, clergy, or family. 

That must have stung.  There was also probably some racism on behalf of the human staff.  She and Garrus really were blazing some uncharted territory here.  Loving, happy, healthy relationships between humans and turians didn't really exist before they brought it to the public eye.  Thankfully, relations were much better now…as seen by all the porn.

But, anyway…  Already weak from their time stranded, Garrus was slowly killing himself with starvation and worry in a tiny hospital chair.  This didn't escape notice from the rest of the crew, who also tried to visit, and they banded together to get him refocused.  Lead by, surprisingly enough, Jack.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Hey Bird," Jack said as passively as she was able.  Frankly, Garrus was just glad she learned how to shower.

"Hey," he mumbled back weakly without really looking over.  His arms were propped up on his knees and so hunched over the armored carapace looked a lot more like a turtle shell.  Jack rubbed it a little.  Garrus barely noticed but he also didn't appreciate humans trying to "pet" him - except Shepard.  However, he didn't try to stop her either because he couldn't really feel anything anymore.  Just, hollow.  It felt like someone had scooped all his insides out, threw them in a blender, and made him watch as they were served to passersby on a cracker.

"Damn, you really are a downer.  And that's coming from the chick on anti-depressants."

  
Jack tried to joke.  However, her volume was lowered to a comfortable level and there was an uncharacteristic amount of empathy in her tone.  Garrus appreciated it. 

Jack used to give Garrus a headache, he had systemically arrested people like her for years, but she was one of Shepard's favorite people so he learned to tolerate the woman.  He was also extremely grateful that Jack turned Shepard down back then.  She had been Shepard's first choice and if they had started something?  Well, their roles would probably be reversed right now.  He didn't want to think about it.

To Jack's credit, she really had grown up.  She was, he guessed, nineteen when they first met and was probably twenty-one, twenty-two now… and he was staring down the barrel of thirty. 

Spirits, he was old.

  
"Come on man," the woman nudged a little louder with a sway of his back.  "You can't stay like this, believe me.  Next thing you know your whole mouth's gonna taste a lot like plasma round, and that stuff's nasty.  Sour as hell."

Garrus chuckled with a tiny pulse of mandibles.  How'd she know?

"What if…"

  
That's all he could bring himself to say, and even then, it was barely louder than a thought.  However, finally voicing that thought out loud to another person broke something akin to a dam in his chest.  The sobbing keens were coming, hard and fast, and he didn't know how long he could hold it back.

"Better question," Jack lilted back with an almost smug kind of happiness.  "What's gonna happen when she wakes up and sees your sorry ass, half starved, and circling the drain?  Hm?  Think she's _not_ going to rip you a new asshole?"

  
Garrus's chin lifted a little and his eyes opened.  Jack made a fairly valid point.  He had become so overwhelmingly obsessed with Shepard's survival that he had completely forgotten about his own.  What if she woke up right now?  He looked down at his appearance; disheveled, dirty, armor so loose it was almost hanging off… 

If he knew Shepard at all, and he liked to think he did, she absolutely would tear his mandibles off.  Or worse, dump him.  But he couldn't just leave!

Garrus hung his head again and rubbed his burning eyes with a heavy hand under his visor.

"You're right Jack," he exhaustedly admitted.  "She would scream at me, but, at least she'd alive."

"That's what you're worried about?"  Jack fully teased as she leaned away.  "Seriously?"  
  


Garrus's completely unamused face snapped to the side with a narrow-eyed glare and a barely contained growl. 

"Are you really that dense?" 

"Are you?"

"What?"

Jack bent over and matched his stance with her unique version of a smile.  "Look Bird.  I've seen a lot of shit, and so have you, but Shep's seen more than both of us combined.  I gotta feeling it's gonna take a little more than a drop from orbit to take her down…"  Out of nowhere, Jack shook her head and started laughing.  So much so her whole body was shaking.

"What's so funny?"

Jack wiped away a tear.  "I was gonna say Shep's a 'tough old bird', but then I realized how fuckin' funny that is."

It took Garrus a beat to get it, but then he slumped over and started laughing too.

 

They stayed that way for a little while, sharing a mutual feeling of worry through an empty kind of quiet, heartbroken laughter.  The two of them would have never called their relationship a 'friendship', more like a truce that was slowly knitting into a scar.  Like it or not, they were Shepard's best friend and lover so they were stuck with each other like a set of in-laws.  However, if Shepard didn't make it, they would probably never speak again…until Garrus eventually served her a warrant.  
 

"So," Jack asked casually when her laughter eventually faded.  "What was your plan?   You know, assuming everything had come up roses." 

Garrus let out a half-hearted sigh of complacency and reached into his boot.

"Well.  I already asked her, but…"  
  


He put a ring between a finger and a thumb and held it out into the space between them without looking at it.  
  


"Holy shit dude!"  Jack said as she snatched it away. 

For a flash, something resembling anger sparked in Garrus's chest but then he formulated eighteen different ways to stop and/or kill her if she tried to run and settled back down, however cautiously. 

"This is…" Jack turned the ring around in her fingers and studied it with that signature human curiosity that was so universal in their species and Garrus half smiled at it.  No matter who or what they were, curious humans all looked the same.

"Where did you _get_ this Garrus?" the tattooed woman said with a completely serious, shocked expression.

"Found it in London" he replied with a shrug.  "Before the fight, I learned a little more about human bonding, or 'marriage' I guess, and it said I needed a ring.  So, when I found that buried in the debris, I saw it was a sign and took it."  He smiled slightly and dared to looked at the glittering rock.  "It matches her hair."

"NICE!"  Jack said with a deeply approving grin right before she shoved his shoulder.  "I'm so fuckin' proud of you C-Sec.  Guess you're not a pig after all…"

"The store was already looted," he half defended while trying not to smile.  "They just missed a piece.  Besides, insurance will get it."

"That's what I'm talkin' about!"  Jack almost yelled with honest pride.  "It's not like we get paid enough to deal with all this bullshit!  Certainly not enough to afford a rock this nice…"

Garrus pricked up.  "Is it?  Nice, I mean…?  I heard they were supposed to be diamonds or something, which are clear, but…  I don't know.  This just looked more like her."

"You kidding?"  Jack said with a raised brow.  "Women would kill each other with their bare hands over a ring this nice.  You know the band's got ezzo in it, right?"

"It does?" he questioned fully interested.  "How can you tell?"

"I can feel it, dummy!" she said while gently rubbing the ring.  "See?  Watch this."

  
Jack pinched the ring between both pointers and thumbs in front of her and her biotic aura started to glow a tiny bit.  However, the ring started shining almost three times as bright.  Jack's eyes flicked up towards the ceiling, and a barrier instantly appeared around them as if it was shot out of the ring itself.

  
"Damn," she mumbled.  "I didn't even mean to do that.  Cool."

Under their fading new dome, she casually handed the ring back to Garrus and his eyes widened a little bit.  The ring was slightly warm and felt like it was buzzing in his palm. 

"So," he admitted with a slightly clueless tone.  "I'm guessing that's…expensive."

Jack almost shouted a single burst of laughter before smirking at him.  "Let's just say you did good, Bird.  You're a genuine magpie."

"What's a magpie?"

Jack rolled her eyes.  "A big, dumb bird that's notorious for stealing shiny shit and giving it to its girlfriend."

Garrus glared.  "You're making that up."

She smiled wide.  "Nope!  Very real thing.  Look it up, Magpie."

"That's not what you're calling me from now on, is it?"

"Sure is, Magpie."

"Damn it…"

Jack giggled at her own joke for a bit and Garrus thought about looking up 'magpies' but decided not to give her the satisfaction.

 

"So.  How'd ya do it, Magpie?"  The woman settled in like she was ready for a long story.  "How did a stuck up prick like you ask your boss, the legendary Commander Fucking Shepard, to spend the rest of her life with your sorry butt?"  She paused.  "Cause I'm assuming she said yes."

Garrus smiled and finally looked at the ring in his hands, that's when it all came flooding back to him.

 

"She did."

 

 

 


	9. How'd Ya Do It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus thinks about human marriage proposals, gets very frustrated, then asks Tali for help over some 'true blue'.

Since the war ended, the ring in his boot had become too painful for Garrus to look at, too real even.  What started as a motivational token had twisted into a symbol of missed opportunities the second those shuttle doors closed.

However, given Jack's reaction to the ring, the pride Shepard had for her biotic ability, and the women's mutual knowledge of jewelry, he started to feel rather proud of himself.  It was a happy bit of solace knowing that he had done well, and that she would approve. 

Maybe that was the real point of a human marriage proposal; get out of your comfort zone, on purpose, to prove to a woman that you value her more than your ego.  Acquire physical proof that you can provide, preform actions that show you understand the way she thinks, and then sacrifice yourself at her alter as a type of final test.   Do it right and be rewarded with a swell of pride and a loyal mate for life.  Garrus was starting to understand that now, but getting there had been the biggest uphill battle of his life.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Garrus began the (ultimately miniscule amount of) research into human bonding customs before meeting Shepard on the Presidium, the whole concept made him angry.  Human's didn't judge a man's worth by his honor, strength, courage, clan prestige, loyalty, service record, dedication, accomplishments, or even fringe size!  No, they judged him by the size of his wallet. 

In Turian culture, a you gained a woman's approval with your physical attributes, the strength of your genes, your reputation, the clout and rank of your clan and kin, and your ability to provide for a family.  Compatible personalities mattered of course, but sometimes people who only "liked" each other would agree to bond because they were sexually compatible and it was a smart move for mutual improvement.  You rose to a higher status because of each other, and your offspring had the potential to rise even higher. 

Then again, most of those matches were arranged by family and clan leaders, but that was fine.  Better than online dating where people could outright lie, were unvetted, and had not been pre-approved by future in-laws.  Also, it's not like the couple didn't get a say in the matter.  Garrus had turned down dozens of would-be mates in the past, many of which earned him a firm "you're a bloody idiot" from family and friends, but, obviously, he didn't regret it.

Typically, the agreement to bond was a professional, but friendly conversation, followed by a roll in the sheets, and ended with a contractual signing in front of both clan leaders, parents, and the respective historians.  After which they would all come together and throw a gigantic party for everyone to celebrate and get acquainted.  Easy, straight forward, and business like; albeit formulaic but not necessarily emotionless.  At least the parties were always fun, and not at all stuffy.

However, humans had it all so frustratingly backwards, it was no surprise that their marriages never lasted.  To 'secure' (for lack of a better description) a human woman as your life partner, they required the poor man to drain his credit account on a rock. 

Which, first of all, is categorically stupid.  Not only is a rock useless, but purposely getting buried in debt is no way start a new partnership.  And that's just the _beginning_ of the expected spending spree, but anyway...

After the now nearly broke man has his rock, he is expected to plan some elaborate "romantic" evening and then physically get down on his knees and beg for her.  _BEG!_   What part of showing weakness in front of a woman is supposed to win her heart?  If Garrus even thought about getting on his knees and begging in front of a turian woman she would laugh in his face, insult him, rip with her talons, kick him as hard as she could, and then immediately disappear forever.  Also, if he was very lucky, it would be in that order. 

The completely human concept, as a whole, was so utterly bizarre, confusing, upsetting, and (let's face it) _alien_ that Garrus couldn't bare it.  But, he loved Shepard, so he tried.  However, he could only stand to skim across the surface of his research before giving up, storming off into engineering, and watching "Fleet and the Flotilla" with Tali while they split a bowl or three.  Thank the Spirits humans sleep so much…

Inspired by the sweet, cliché vid - the male turian watched with the female quarian, the irony of which was lost on them until the third act - Garrus decided to do something similar since he knew Shepard hadn't seen it.  Once mixed with a little rule breaking and his intimate knowledge of the Citadel, he started to see the beginnings of a plan.  However, that still didn't make the strange ritual any less plate crawling and weird. 

Tali is the one who suggested that Garrus lead her up there with the pretense of illegal target practice, saying that Shepard would jump at the idea.  Also, a little destruction might calm him down while also "setting the mood".  Garrus quickly agreed, but secretly wondered why a competition for dominance would take place _before_ changing the relationship dynamic.  Except that became the least of his worries when Tali pointed out a much larger problem he has previously overlooked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"What are you going to say to her?"  Tali giggled excitedly.

"What do you mean?" he eked out through held breath before letting vapor billow and hiss out around his mandibles.

Tali punched his arm.  "I mean how are you going to _ask_ her you bosh'tet!  You have to say _something_!  She won't understand you if you rumble it out your toes!"

Garrus twitched his mandibles and thought about it.  "Hadn't gotten that far."

Tali rolled her eyes and held a hose to her induction port while typing something out on her omnitool.  
"Here," she squeaked.  "Read that." 

Garrus blinked his hazy eyes at the screen and tried not to giggle as light blue fumes escaped Tali's helmet out of, no fewer, than six different vents.

"Will you join with me?" he questioned with a mumble.  "That sounds…weird."  Garrus looked at the sidebar of his visor readout and saw extra information.  "Says Turian synonyms are _Consanguria_ or _Adiunctus…_ "

"That's what I was afraid of," Tali added while typing another word out.  "What does that say?"

" _Amatra_ ," Garrus replied.  "Though it's noted as an indirect translation."

Tali nodded in thought and typed some more notes while sucking on her hose.  
"See, it says " _wife_ ", you said " _amatra_ " but I heard you say this.  _Bondmate._ "

Garrus squawked a little bit.  "Spirits!  That sounds so much worse!"  He turned with an anxious glance at Tali.  "Is that what Shepard hears??"  She nodded again and Garrus cursed while shoving his whole face deep into the mask to suffocate his shame.

"I knew those classes would come in handy!"  Tali practically sang to herself, but Garrus could barely hear her over his own emasculation…and loudly bubbling liquid.  She rubbed the back of his carapace in a smug, 'sucks to be you', kind of way and tried not to laugh.

"Can you even physically _speak_ Shepard's language?"

Garrus dragged his head up and pointed it to the ceiling with a tiny groan as his head started to blissfully swim again.  He waited a beat or two before answering.

"Sure I can…" He growled out a cloud so large Tali was briefly concerned the fire suppression system was going to come back online.  "What language is that again?"

Tali bounced her heels on the ground she was laughing so hard.  "You want to spend the rest of your miserable life with this girl, and you don't even know what _language_ she speaks?  Especially Shepard!  Her accent makes it really obvious.  _Usl'sa yze tabb…_ "

Garrus flicked both his fingers off his thumb talon in her direction and sneered at the sassy quarian as she cleaned out her machine.  "I _know_ she's from Earth, and a place called 'Texas'.  _And_ I know that she talks to Vega and Cortez without a translator sometimes.  I just don't know what it's called!" 

Tali's helmet lights flickered as she, apparently, giggled at his defensive reply while she worked.

"Hate to tell you this, but Shepard's bilingual.  In Texas, they speak both English _and_ Spanish." 

Her glowing eyes squinted a little bit and she paused for a beat.

"Except Spain is separated from Texas by a huge ocean!  So, I have no idea why they would need to speak it."  She shrugged and continued cleaning.  "But, they do…"

  
Garrus's sour expression changed to excitement when Tali pulled out a piece of plant material that looked like a glob of turian blood rolled in diamond dust and started grinding it up.  Right then, he decided to be a little nicer.

"Wow, how did you learn all that?"

"Human Diplomacy Certification classes with an English sub focus," she beamed under her visor before winking at him.  "It's called 'getting an education' Garrus.  You should try it sometime."  


Garrus bit back his strong desire to curse the suit rat.  "What's your point _Tali_?"  Hopefully, the emphasis on her name implied the racial slur he was thinking really hard about.

"Well _cuttlebone…_ "  
Wow, ok, she didn't hold back.  Privileges of owning the vaporizer, I guess.   
"My point is, I think you're going to have to do this in English if you want Shepard to understand you.  However, no matter which classical version of 'the question' you choose, you're going to need "wha", "buh", "mm", and "pah" sounds your stiff plate mouth can't make."  
  


" _S'kak…_ "

After the defeated curse, Garrus looked up at Tali and started to open his mouth, but she cut him off with a smile and an outstretched mask.

 

"Don't worry you lovesick bosh'tet, I'll help you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Quairan language source](https://www.reddit.com/r/MassEffectCNR/comments/yebvd/quarian_to_english_dictionary_for_words_i_use/)
> 
> [Turian language source](http://spiritofredemption.yuku.com/topic/73/Languages-turian-and-asari)
> 
> Consanguria – Ceremony that involves the joining of bloods  
> Adiunctus – Join, be one with, unify with; imperative/command form  
> Amatra – beloved, feminine ending  
> Usl'sa yze tabb: Term of insult Quarian insult. Literal translation: Slow children of an inbred family.  
> Turian gesture: One hand, thumb to fingers, then flick – “Push off.” Varies by degree of emphasis from mildly humorous to “fuck off” rude.  
> S'kak - Shit.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pulling out of flashback inception. Jack makes another really good point, Garrus comes back to life, and Cheerleader fusses over tubes.

"So…are you ready to be a one turian kind of woman?"

  
Jack smiled at him, as sweet as she was able.  "Not bad Magpie!  Perfect English, 'cept the last word of course." 

Garrus tilted his hands in a tiny shrug.  "I never could get that to come out right, but luckily 'woman' translates directly so I made do."

"I'm down," Jack said as she sat back with crossed arms.  "Work smarter, not harder right?"

"Something like that."

They sat there in a short silence and Garrus had to admit that he did feel a little better.  Unfortunately, the relief came with a sudden awareness of his hunger and exhaustion, but he still couldn't bring himself to leave.

  
"Thousand cred says she let you win."

Garrus snapped his head over with an undignified, slightly shocked chirp.  "Have you _met_ Shepard?  She doesn't let me win anything…"

Jack snorted.  "Yeah, I bet she doesn't."  The tattooed woman shot him a dirty look.  "You know what, I take it back.  I bet Shep does all the biting."

Garrus laughed in a way that sparked phantom pain and a flashback of his face falling off, as well as more pleasant ones.  "Not that you need to know… but, we take turns."

  
Jack grinned and, for a split second, Garrus wondered what he'd said…but then she clarified.  


"Oh yeah?  So, is that what happens when you _tie_?" 

If Garrus had the ability to go pale, he would have but Jack just started laughing and waved him off.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I saw your little fuck-fight after Omega-4.  Saved it too!  Best damn porn I've got!" 

Garrus went wide-eyed.  "You _saw_ that??"

"Hell yeah!" she proclaimed with a nudge of her knee against his.  "We all did!  God knows we heard it.  Joker thought we were being attacked again.  'Bout shit himself!  You two almost tore the ship apart!  EDI got so pissed, she combined all the feeds together and put the whole thing out on blast!"

Garrus held his face in his hands.  He wasn't really ashamed, it was easily one the top three fights of his life, and easily the best lay, but Shepard was definitely going to kill him if she ever found out. 

"Please," he groaned.  "Don't tell Shepard."

"Don't worry Magpie, I won't…"  She leaned in closer to him.  "Wanna copy?"

Garrus nodded and inwardly cursed his own weakness as Jack tapped her omnitool to his and transferred the file.

  
"Want some help?" she suddenly asked.  Garrus dropped the hand closest to her.

"With what?"

"Your second proposal slash wedding dummy…" 

Garrus dropped his other hand. "I repeat, what?"  


Jack stretched her arms over the backs of the chairs beside her and looked back through the window to Shepard's clean room.

"I mean, by the look on Cheerleader's face, you've got some time to kill.  Why not plan the thing while she's out?  That way, when she wakes up, all you gotta do is sweep her off her feet and shit."  
 

Garrus's head slowly fell to one side as he considered it.  For the second time, Jack might have had a really valid point.  Also, she was a human woman, technically, so she probably knew more about this kind of thing than he did.  Most people would. 

"What did you have in mind?" he asked intrigued.

"You mean you didn't have a plan already?" she teased back.  "You?  Garrus, 'Archangel', whatever-the-fuck, Magpie, Vakarian don't have a plan for your own wedding?"

Garrus rolled his eyes and pulsed his mandibles with guilt.  She was right, again.  
"No," he grumbled.  "Like I said, there a little bit of culture gap here."  Garrus checked his tone.  The angry woman was actually being nice to him and he probably shouldn't drive her away.    
"What do you think we should do?" 

Jack grinned wide and toothy.  "The one thing we're both good at: Blowing shit up to loud music."

Garrus groaned.  Jack punched his shoulder, hard.

"I mean fireworks jackass!"

"Oh.  Yeah!" 

Garrus felt a kind of life come back to him, not unlike a bang of a gunpower filled shell in his chest.  His eyes lit up and possibilities started sparking in his mind like flaming balls of glitter.  
 

"…I can work with that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author always thought it would be awesome to have a fireworks show synced perfectly to music instead of just watching explosions.  
> Then the author found something called "pyromusicals" after writing this and found their next career path.


	11. New Legs, New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard gets high on hospital drugs, Garrus cries...then cuts his leg off. Shakarian proposal and wedding of every fan's dreams.

Shepard was out for almost a year, but at least it wasn't two this time.  When she came to, she felt pretty good, all things considered. That was, until she looked down and saw stumpy, mismatched legs.  The right one was crushed in the fall and had to be field amputated above the knee, while the left developed a raging skin infection and had to be taken just below the hip to keep it from spreading…or so they told her.  Shepard didn't remember a thing.

Thankfully, Garrus didn't care.  He cried like a baby anyway.

Shepard was soon outfitted for cybernetic legs and they were…fine.  She would have preferred cloned tissue, but the war had drained or destroyed them all.  Any limbs that were even remotely compatible wouldn't be available for at least three years, so Shepard took what she could get.  The crazy part was, after studying her legs during a few rounds of physical therapy, Garrus opted to get his leg amputated too.

By the way, hospital pain meds are awesome.

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


"Are you _crazy_?  Garrus, please…If this is some twisted gesture, I don’t need it honey." 

"It's not, unless you want it to be."

"Garrus!"

"Alright, okay, calm down darling.  *sigh* Look, I wasn't going to say anything but… You know turian legs don't heal very well, right?"

"Yeah, you're a little like horses!  All bone and skin and very little blood.  Well, at least...in your feet."

"Right, I don't know what a horse is."

"Oh!  It's a…."

"Shh…Shepard.  You're right, it's like horses."

"Cool."

"The point is I……I would love to dance with you again.  That's why, I think, it's better this way."

"I hate Makos…"

"Me too sweetie.  Me too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the next afternoon, Shepard was transferred to a double wide hospital room where a three limbed Garrus was already sleeping on the other bed.  As soon as it was healed enough, his right side was outfitted with a metal leg all the way to the first, proximal hip joint.  It was a bit jarring at first, but Shepard took comfort in the fact that the doctors managed to save the skin of his pelvis so she didn't have to avoid a pointed, titanium hip spur.  That would have been... unfortunate, and painful.

But, it didn't take long before Shepard figured out the _real_ reason behind his decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shepard was woken up by the snap of a spark and a muffled, Turian curse.  


"Honey..." she called without opening her eyes.  "What are you doing?"

"Oh sh-…uh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?"  
 

Shepard's brows pinched together a little.  "Yes," she growled.  "If I look over, am I going to be upset?" 

The answer didn't come immediately.  


"No?"  
 

Shepard took a stiff breath though her nose, rolled her head over, and opened her eyes to find Garrus looking way too innocent and covering everything from his keel down with a sheet.  Everything except his new leg.  She put the pieces together fairly quickly. 

"You got bored and started dicking with it, didn't you..."

His mandible twitch said it all, but tried to deflect with cheese.

"Well, you do love me for my calibrations."

Shepard's fingers rubbed her eyes, almost painfully so, as she resisted the urge to lock his mouth in a stasis field.

"I swear to God Garrus, if you break that thing I'm not buying you a new one."

"What is it you always say?" he nearly chirped in amusement.  "Oh, ye of little faith?"

Shepard leveled a flat faced glare and he came clean.

"It... has a weird lag and it's driving me crazy."

"So just work around it," she groaned.  "That's what I do."

"Come on Shepard!" he tried to plead.  "If I can repair your Mako damage and make the Thanix shoot better than Legion could, I think I can fix a little leg lag."  


Shepard tried to pretend that he hadn't just made a decent point.  
 

"Then why was it sparking?  Shouldn't lag be a firmware issue?" 

Garrus sat straighter and gave her a little trill.  "Good girl!  Looks like something I taught you finally stuck!"

She shrugged her eyebrows.  "Like you, I am capable of learning things.  Also..."  She licked her lips in slight hesitation.  "I may have been playing dumb this whole time to have an excuse to come talk to you.  Sorry."

Shepard couldn't tell if Garrus was happy or hurt. 

  
"How dumb?" he finally asked.

She shrugged again.  "Fairly dumb.  Don't get me wrong, you still know a whole lot more than I do, but... yeah.  I got a lot of those viruses on purpose."

  
Garrus rumbled like he wanted to laugh, but his face was pure pout. 

"Alright, Commander Tech Expert..." he half growled while pulling the sheet back.  "If you think you’re so smart, why don't you come over here and tell _me_ what you think I was doing."

Shepard accepted the challenge and hobbled over.

The artificial thigh plate was lifted away and she got a good look at the mechanics inside.  Shepard saw the residue from the spark right away.  It was right next to where the kinetic battery array met the power controller.

"Well, without seeing your omnitool screen it's hard to tell but..."  She looked up at him with a little smirk.  "I'm pretty sure that you were trying to overclock the controller to accept a higher amperage battery so that you could pull enough charge to power something you haven’t installed yet.  I'm guessing a heater."

Garrus's mouth actually fell open a little bit, so she continued.

"Also, it looks like all the solder sucks.  Unleaded is the worst."

"Right!?" he finally blurted with a smile.

Without another moment's hesitation, Garrus snatched Shepard off her feet, pulled her onto his lap, and stuck his crazy, blue tongue down her throat.  


"Shepard, darling, love of my life..." he purred when they came up for air while still holding her face to his crest with both hands.  "Never play dumb again." 

Shepard giggled and pressed her forehead closer.  "It's just... I don't know... I guess I thought that, if you thought I was tech nerd on top of everything else it would make me... inaccessible or something, and I didn't want to scare you away."

"So..." he rumbled back playfully.  "You thought, that if I thought, you were a legendary leader AND a one-woman army AND an asari level biotic AND hardware genius, I would be scared away?  And NOT completely aroused?"

Shepard giggled even harder.  "Sorry, human instinct.  Guys want girls who are _almost_ better than them, but get intimidated when they actually are."

Garrus rumbled a little deeper, held her tighter, and dropped a mandible to show a little teeth.  
"Well, I'm no human Shepard.  And where I come from, we like our women _fiery_."

Shepard grinned and started nipping at a mandible to stall him.  
"Why?"

Talons trailed down her spine and he started to hiss when he answered.  
"We're predators Shepard..." His mouth tilted to her ear.  "And easy kills are no fun."

Less than a second after that serpentine tongue touched her neck, they rolled to the floor and tested their new legs in a pile of metal and teeth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  


True to his word, Garrus recalibrated all three misbehaving limbs and when it came time for their wedding party… they danced the night away. 

Among other things.  It was a very Turian affair.

The best part (or at least one of them) was the surprise of it all.  Shepard never saw it coming.  She fell asleep on the plane and next thing she knew they were on some gorgeous little island in the south pacific ripped straight out of Jurassic Park.

 

And the fireworks. 

 

Dear sweet god the fireworks…

 

The twilight sky lit up like midday with meticulously planned explosions, set in perfect time to one of her favorite songs. 

Garrus was a lot of things, but Shepard would never really classify him as a wordsmith.  Neither of them were, and that was alright. They were soldiers, not poets, and though they could stumble their way through the occasional round of diplomacy it wasn't something they enjoyed.  Besides, over the years they had learned enough about each other to communicate just fine - despite the enormous, interplanetary language barrier - but flowery, emotional speeches about feelings were still something they struggled with.  For several reasons.  However, Garrus was smart as a whip and knew a whole lot about explosives.  And music, if you can believe it.

And so, that night, Garrus let the custom recording and brilliant, blue and red shells do most of the talking for him.  


Then, as the last of the mind-blowing lights faded over the ocean and the song began to end, right there, on the sandy island cliff, big bad Archangel actually did get down on his metal knee and beg. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


"Jane, I have loved you since I read your very first news report, I was just too stupid to notice until it was almost too late.  I know I've asked you this before... but that was selfish.  I wanted the comfort of having something go right, and hope for a future after an unwinnable war."

Garrus swallowed and spoke the truest, most honest words he had ever said.

"When you told me goodbye, I thought I had lost you forever and it made me realize how terribly wrong I was.  Now, I don't want you to be a one turian kind of woman...I want to be a one human kind of man."

He kept both of her hands in his one softy gloved one while he reached into his other pocket and pulled out a small silver box.

"Commander Jane Shepard, I don't deserve to say this but..."

He flicked open the box and Shepard bit back a tear-filled squeal.

"Will you grant me the honor of being more than your friend, your lover, or your bonded mate, but... your husband _._ Forever."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

So, like a sane person, Shepard screamed, cried, and absolutely said yes.  
 

That's when the holographic tree line behind them flickered away to reveal every friend and family member either of them had ever had.

Jack was in a dress, Ash was in tears and James grumbled, demanding that Scars, "leave some romance for the rest of us."

After much more screaming and hugging, a brief introduction to her new father and sister in law, and a quick wardrobe change, the hybrid ceremony began.  All told, Jane Shepard and Garrus Vakarian were officially married about an hour later.  


That's another thing Garrus always had going for him: The man knew how to plan.  If given enough time and help and cashed in favors.  
 

The newlyweds spent a couple months out there, soaking up sun, drinking out of coconuts, and not sleeping in the galaxy's most comfortable tent.  They only left when they got the message that their offer on the ranch property was accepted, and they've been there ever since.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author likes to think that the advanced technology within the Mass Effect universe has led to a wide array of insanely detailed fireworks, especially since humans entered the fray.  
> Put those fireworks in Garrus's and Jack's capable hands, and they can create a display to rival Gandalf because, well, turians never do anything halfway. 
> 
> What song was it? Personally, the author likes to think it was "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab, but the reader is allowed to think whatever they like. 
> 
> Jack curled her hair and worn the frilliest dress she could find. Said it was way funnier that way. However, it came off during the party. 
> 
> If you want to know what Turian wedding ceremonies and following banquet parties are like, research ancient Roman traditions and you're pretty close. Food, fights, cake, wine, music, big 'bean bag' type chair beds, and generally fun for all.  
> At the end of the night, Garrus pretended to kidnap Shepard and they spent their first night in the old Captain's Quarters inside the waiting Normandy. However, that was the last night they ever spent there.


End file.
